Built For Love

Inside Gay Dating & Love w/ Eddie Valdovinos

• Builtforlovepodcast • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Inside Gay Dating & Love — w/ Eddie Valdovinos (@Valdovinosvv) | @CLCTV7
In this intimate sit-down, host Javier Ortega opens the door to a real conversation with best friend Eddie Valdovinos—NYC production hairstylist, intuitive tarot reader, and member of @CLCTV7. Together they unpack what it means to date and love as queer men in their 30s: identity, intention, compatibility, spirituality, and the shift from performance to presence. From hookup culture to deeper connection, from chemistry to true compatibility, Javier and Eddie explore healing past patterns, letting go, and building relationships that feel like peace.
If you’re single, rebuilding, or redefining love, this episode is an invitation to slow down, get clear, and choose what expands you.
Because love isn’t something we chase, it’s something we’re built for.

Guest: Eddie Valdovinos — IG/TikTok: @Valdovinosvv | Collective: @CLCTV7
Host: Javier Ortega — IG: @clctv7 + @builtforlovepodcast

Both:

Hey

Javier:

there, beautiful souls and welcome back to Built for Love. I'm your host, Javier Ortega, and today's episode is one that means a lot to me personally. I'm joined by someone who truly knows me like no one else in this lifetime. My best friend and platonic soulmate, Eddie Val Linos. Eddie is not only a gifted hairstylist in the world of production in New York City, he's also a powerful tarot reader and someone I've had many, many lives with. He expands me every single day, and I'm honored that we get to expand each other through this conversation. And now with all of you listening, this isn't just an episode about dating. It's about evolution, about what it means to grow as queer men in our thirties, to unlearn what no longer fits, and to rebuild our relationships with ourselves, with love, and with the world around us, and with intention. So we have these conversations all the time, but today we get to share it with you. So let's get into it. Eddie, thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Eddie:

Of course. Yeah. Thank you for, uh, for having me in, in front of the camera. I feel like we, we have so much like behind the camera that obviously this is all your doing, but we bounce ideas back and forth so much right in, in all aspects of our lives, honestly, not just. To this, you know, so it's, it's, it's cool. It, it feels nice. Yeah, it feels right.

Javier:

I mentioned in the Red Print, um, which is the very first episode, which was about a nine minute episode for this podcast. Um, I give him a shout out for being like the person that I go to for everything opinion wise. I'll be like, okay, so this is the cover that I wanna put for the YouTube video. This is the, the, these are the questions that I'm asking. What are your thoughts? So he's like my right hand man. He's, he's my unofficial manager, really. We joke about it all the time. I'm super excited to have you on. Um, I mentioned also in that first episode, something that you mentioned. So he's a part of Collective Seven, which is spiritual account, so it's called Collective Seven, and he does the tarot reading. So he's an incredible tarot reader, tarot, tarot reader. And at the end of every, no, at the beginning of every video, what do you say?

Eddie:

I say, um, if this resonates, please take it. And if it doesn't, simply leave it, because I promise that one of these messages were reach out to you in the time as supposed to. I dunno how I came up with that. Um, but it kind of like became like my little thing and it stuck. It did. Yeah.

Javier:

Yeah, yeah. It's like on every, every one of his videos, which are great, I highly recommend that you see them. He does, uh, weekly videos, sometimes, uh, monthly videos for all of the, um, Zodiac signs. Uh, but I, I ended up saying that because it's also true for this podcast, right? This is gonna be diving into, um, gay dating, gay relationships, right. I did an episode with Yvonne where it was like on a straight man. So I, I find that, I honestly do believe that if you were to listen to every episode, there's going to be some golden nuggets for you

Both:

for sure.

Javier:

I really do believe that. But if it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay. Another one of these videos will. So, um, diving into it, I do wanna ask, so looking back at our twenties, by the way, before I keep asking, we've known each other since we were 16 years old. Uh, we went to high school together. Um, and we, yeah, we've kind of just grown closer and closer throughout life, so, mm-hmm. It's been well over 15 years now, so, gosh. Yeah.

Eddie:

Yeah. It has. I'm grateful.

Javier:

So, um, going back to the question, looking back at our twenties, we had pretty different journeys. Mm-hmm. I would say, what do you think has been the biggest shift in the way we now approach love and relationships in our thirties?

Eddie:

For me, one of the biggest factors was that, and this is gonna, this might sound a little cliche, but I was still finding myself. And what I mean by that is I was still finding myself as a gay man because I, I, I, I was late bloomer when he came to coming out. You know, I had known I was gay since I could remember, you know, I really could. Um, and I didn't officially come out to sort of like everybody and my surrounding, including my, my, my family, um, until I was about like 25, 26. And so the first half of my twenties was, I mean, you know, this about me. Uh,'cause because we're very similar in this sense, but, um, I, I, for the longest time, like my longest running relationship has been like my career. You know, I, I, we. Pour ourselves. I think part of it is cultural. Um, being, you know, first generation Mexican American in the us like we, we find value in working and I think there's something beautiful in that, you know, but the, the double-edged sword about that is we, we can allow ourselves to become, become consumed and get lost in our, our careers and, and what we have to show for. So the first half of my twenties was very much about that, you know, graduating high school, like know each other, graduating high school. Uh, there was a lot of like spiritual sort of like, um, uh, work that I thought I was doing in, in the, and I think I was doing,'cause it set me up to who I am now, but, you know, all throughout high school. And then I graduated and then I always, you know, wanted to be a hairdresser. And so then going to B School right after that, and then working in, in my first salon job, which was the same salon that you worked at. And so, you know, building that up. And almost allowing myself to use that as an excuse and say, oh, well I don't have time to date right now because I'm, I'm working. But a huge part of that was, well, I don't have time to date because I haven't come out and, and that's what I really want to do, you know? And so once I did come out, the second half of my twenties was very much, okay, how do I do this? Like, I was that 26-year-old gay guy who had never had a boyfriend, which that's not crazy because there was plenty, I mean, I'm sure you have met plenty of people who, um, plenty of gay men who have never had a boyfriend until well into the thirties, you know what I mean? Um, but at the time there's this sort of like unspoken pressure from the rest of, of the gay world, uh, from the rest of gay men to be like, oh, you haven't had this kind of experience yet. You haven't done that yet. You haven't done this yet. Do you know what I mean? Right. So I think the second half of my twenties was, um. Very much like trying to play catch up, which the motivation for that wasn't rooted in how is this going to build me up? How is this going to serve me? It was very much, how am I going to, um, serve others and how am I going to, but not in the most constructive way, but it's like, how am I gonna like, you know, give to others because I want to have that like, badge on like my, my gay boy scout, like sash. You know what I mean? Like, okay, that means I have to party a lot and I have to meet a lot of guys and I have to experiment with this, that, and the third, and I have to do, you know what I mean? Right. It, it was, it was a lot of that versus my thirties. It's now a lot of, you know, if it doesn't serve me, um, I, you know, if it doesn't resonate, I simply leave it, you know? Mm-hmm. Um, so it kind of comes back to that. So how about, how about you?

Javier:

So I would say, as you know, my. My twenties were completely in a relationship. Mm-hmm. Uh, love has been like a big, not for lack of a better word, like no, not mission, but just purpose in general. Right. Like, relationships have been so important to me.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Uh, prior to when I was in high school, I was in a three and a half year relationship, um, going into from about 16 to almost 20 years old. Mm-hmm. Um, and then shortly after, pretty much from when I was 20 to 31, I was in an 11 year relationship. My entire twenties were building a life with someone. Um, but I will say I. Just like everyone's twenties, they were so pivotal in like, the amount of growth that happens. Right. Um, I had a partner, which, you know, you're, you're close to him as well. Mm-hmm. Um, who we are so different in so many ways. And so a lot of, um, there's just a lot of like maturity for my own personal journey, for my own, like resilience for my own kind of like, I really learned to protect my peace.

Hmm.

Javier:

And I really learned to like not let small things affect me. Um, and I, I am just, I, I'm very proud of that relationship. I still have, uh. What I would call a beautiful connection with that person. Yeah. Um, there's nothing romantic about it. It's very respectful. It's, to me, that person will always be a family to me, that was my twenties. Right. And in my thirties it, shortly after that, four months later, um, I was in a different relationship. And that was a relationship which I've mentioned before in another, in previous episodes. That was my twin flame relationship. Yeah. Which you got to see me go through. Yeah. And he's like the bookkeeper of that experience and of my life. Um, just because I feel like I lived a whole life within this whole, like, last year and a half. Like you've, you've, um, you've seen that it's been such a transformative experience for myself. So going into my thirties, I feel like I've, I feel like I'm living a whole different life to be honest with you, but I feel like I evolved. So much in a way that, like in my twenties, it was very much I was moving from a place of putting my relationship on like a pedestal. Mm-hmm. I would say. Um, and, and putting that first, right. And that's kind of when I hit the most last relationship I've had. Um, when I hit that relationship, it kind of taught me that I needed to put myself first. Mm-hmm. Right. I, I was ex uh,'cause the other thing is I was expecting things from my partnership that I also wasn't bringing to the table in certain parts of my life. So in general, I would say there's far more intention now in my thirties.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Um, I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship. Right. It's our, it's, it's about to be seven months now since I've started the dating journey. Mm-hmm. Right. As a 32 year man, 3-year-old man. I'm about to be, uh, 33 in a few days. Um, but yeah, so it's, it's been seven months since I started dating again. I had to take a solid, um, eight months off, um, to really be with self and, and you've got to, to experience that. Like that was a big moment for, for me to, um, do a lot of self-healing and. And realize that there was traumas, like I've mentioned in previous episodes and, and things that I needed to, to, to dive into so that I wasn't taking those things into the next relationship I end up being in. Um, I would say dating right now in my thirties has been a beautiful experience. Like I hear a lot of people oppose that and say, like, you live in New York City, dating is difficult, or, um, in general it's difficult to date in our community as gay men because it's very sex driven.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Um, but I honestly can say that when you move from a place of intention and clarity and, and you're able to articulate your needs along with your desires, you can attract some beautiful experiences. Mm-hmm. I would say, you know, I was dating somebody for three months, which you knew about. Prior to that. I was dating somebody for, I went on three dates with somebody else. Um, I got stuck in Pennsylvania with someone else, uh, for five days'cause of a, a snowstorm. But I, yeah, I would say that, yeah, I would say that I've attracted some really, I've learned a lot about myself through those experiences and, but they've all been beautiful experiences. Yeah. And I'm really grateful for that. I don't know if you have any, you know, personal take on, on that part of,

Eddie:

of, of your, of your life with that. I mean, other than, you know, we lived together when you were going through that twin flame experience and, um. Listen, it was something that, you know, I, I, I'm a, I'm as open-minded as as they come. I think we both are. And I had never heard this concept before, you know, until you brought it up. I had just known like, wow, this is someone that you, I've never seen you like this with somebody else. When you're like in love with somebody. And, and I can see, I, I saw the, the fruits of it in your life of how it really, um, transformed you, you know, really from within. Um, and then when that sort of separation happened and it, it was, it was, it was more than I, I knew it was heavy and it was real, and it was quite substantial because, um. It was more than a, a, a normal breakup would've done to somebody, you know, it really did transform you. And we had many, you know, late, almost like sleepless nights, just, you know, tears talking Yeah, yeah. About, well, how this was making you feel. And then looking back at it now, I'm like, man, this really was something that, you know, this relationship, uh, is something that really shaped you to who you are now. So I think if that hadn't happened, you wouldn't be, I don't think any of this would be happening right now if it wasn't for that. So,

Javier:

I agree.

Eddie:

It was, it was amazing to witness. Yeah.

Javier:

I agree. I agree. I want to go into the direction of, we kind of both brought up, like, like there being some pressures in our mm-hmm. In our community. Yeah. Um, as gay men. Um, so there's like a stereotype that gay dating is all about hookups. Or casual fleeing. Do you think that's changing, or do you feel like men in our community are craving deeper connections? And I ask that because I can share my experience, but I'm all about like diving into my inner work, my spirituality, like

mm-hmm.

Javier:

Aligning with my purpose to help others heal and stuff like that. So my journey isn't always reflected on like what the actual community is like. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Um, and not to say that one is better than the other,'cause that's not a thing either, but how do you feel about that?

Eddie:

Yeah. Um, I would like to think that that stereotype is changing. Um, whether I, I fully see it, you know, a hundred percent changing, you know, um, I, I. I think there's still some time for it to change if people wanna change that about, you know, the, the gay community. Um,'cause listen, I feel like people, especially gay men, you know, they, they're, they can find a lot of, of, of comfort in the hookup culture aspect of, of the gay dating world. Um, and listen, if that works for people and if we're doing it in a very healthy way and they're not hurting themselves or other people, and if they're not compromising their integrity while doing it, I think good, good for them. You know, I feel like, um, I'm, I, I'm not single. I, I'm no longer single, but when I was, and I was dating, um, the times that I noticed like, oh, that I should, I shouldn't have done that or that felt like a very empty connection was when I was going against my own sort of like. Morals and ethics and like principles, you know? Uh, and oftentimes that would happen when we would rush into the sexual part of it, or when it was strictly a hookup thing, because like you, I'm very much about, and I've learned this about myself, um, is that there needs to be an emotional and like, like spiritual connection and chemistry before the physical aspect is like fulfilling. You know?'cause after a while, I think a lot of gay men, uh, can relate to this. You kind of become des desensitized,

Both:

right?

Eddie:

You know, if it's like hook up, hook up, hook up, hook up. It's like you're putting in a lot of, a lot of energy into this and you end up not finding fulfillment in that after a while. Um, so I think that. I, I think it is changing and for, for, for some gay men, I think that's just comes with us becoming, you know, getting older now. And, um, don't get me wrong, there's so plenty of gay men out there who are, you know, well into their thirties, forties, fifties, and all they want to do is hook up, you know? Um, but I think that that just comes with maturing is realizing that it's not all about the hookup culture. But, you know, from my own experience, when I moved here to New York City almost two years ago now, um, I'm a very social person, you know, you know this, I, I put a lot of importance on friendships and so I would, I would meet, you know, guys and then be like, oh my gosh, like this is someone I can have a really cool like, friendship with. And then like, you know, five. Five questions into the Hangout, it would be like, so like, what are you into? And I'm like, oh, okay. I see where this is going now. You know? And I, I wouldn't roll my eyes and be like, you know what? No. But I would politely say, you know, if the conversation did quite, you know, ahead there, then I would say, oh, by the way, this is, you know, and, and I've, I've had plenty of, of, of hangouts with, with people that I thought would be a really cool friend and I, you know, where the advance gets made or, you know, there, there was a, um, a, a kiss gets like planted, an unexpected one and I kind of kindly have to be like, you know what, yeah, may, may, maybe I'll, I'll let you know if we can hang out again. Like this was, you know, or with all due respect, this wasn't really what I was kind of looking for. I just really wanted a really cool like friend from this, you know? So I think that stereotype is changing. But I do think that with certain demographics, that stereotype, I think will always be there. And nothing's anything wrong in it. You know, I think if you're doing it from a, again, from a healthy place where you're not going against what you believe and you're not hurting somebody else, go for it. Is it, is it for me, no. Even before I was in my relationship that I'm, that I'm in right now, um, the, the hookup aspect of it just kind of got old to me. And I, I, I wasn't looking for that any longer.

Javier:

Um, so I would say for me it's, and this is just my opinion, I, there, to me there's so many layers to that question. Right, right. Um, and to your point as well, so for me, I, this is just my opinion on like the overall question and then I'll show my share a little bit of my experience. But for me, I think that yes, I think that there is a shift happening.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Because I think in general, people are. Spirituality, self-work, therapy, um, self-improvement. These are things that are, are growing so much in our world right now, and they should be.

Both:

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Right. I think that before you didn't see a lot, like if you go back to our parents and stuff like that, you don't, they don't understand a lot of that. Right. Somebody was super into spirituality back then. They were kind of seen as like, ooh, you know? Right. And so now it's like, no, there's a sense of like really knowing yourself and really, um, knowing your purpose or knowing how to make yourself happy. Mm-hmm. Like, like people are diving into that. Right. So I think that Yes. Like overall as a, as a, as a world, like things are shifting because of awareness. Mm-hmm. You know, people can say social media has its cons, but I think one of the pros is the visibility of. Of things like that. Right, right. The visibility of, of the different avenues you can take when it comes to self-development. Um, now I would say like, again, there's so many layers to it. This isn't going to be for everyone. I'm not, and I don't judge it, and I don't, I'm very much like you, if that's what you like to do, cool.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

I was there at one point. I liked it at one point. Mm-hmm. Like, I don't think I was a bad person. Like I don't think I was a negative person. But on that same note, I also know that now looking back, but it's taken me, uh, diving into that. Now looking back, I also know that because of traumatic experiences in my life, I was desensitized. I was, um, kind of moving from a place of, of putting in not having my priorities. The way that in a healthy way, right. For me mm-hmm. It was like physicality was far more on top than a compatibility. Right. And I think that that happens in general, whether you're gay or straight. Um, we're very much a physical, uh, beauty driven world, right? Right. Uh, it's all about what people consider beautiful in that time and whatnot. So, um, you know, for me, again, I had my personal traumas and, and I was at one point in my life into the whole hookup thing. But I did, what I did recognize pretty early on was that like it was important for me to have a connection with somebody, very much like what you were saying, um, then to just dive into it. Physical. Some people can do that. I had in the astrology episode before this one, I'm a cancer, I need. Some type of emotional connection. Right. Right. I need to see that. Like I'm the type of person that will like talk for a little bit. Right. But on a, whether it's whatever app, right. I'll talk to somebody for a little bit before I even talk about hooking up.

Mm-hmm. Not

Javier:

anymore, this was in the past, but I would talk to somebody for about, and I, I kind of wanna see like, Hey, how's your day? Oh, it was good. Da da da da. How was yours? Like, I wanna see how you speak about yourself. Right, right. Because if you were like, ah, it was, it sucked. Like, I'm just tired. I'm this and that. Those things as a cancer man, like, I'm like, no, it's too negative for me. Right. There's nothing wrong with it. It just doesn't work for me. Mm-hmm. Like, I wanna kind of be emotionally excited Right. To hook up with somebody Right. Then, um, but as I. I've evolved and learned, like you mentioned earlier, like connection's, one thing. Right. Chemistry's a whole different level. Like there was times where I would just hook up with somebody because of the size of their dick or Right. Or whatever. Like, or not necessarily just the size, but like the look of it, or like, um, you know, I would say I was a pretty open-minded person about body types and stuff like that. But, but just like if it was like a bearded man, a nice cock, a da da da da, like that was enough for, to get me excited. And like, they're not a negative person. Right. At least from what I know through some conversation. But, um, I, yeah, so I was putting very much like that physical part of it, um, ahead and I feel like I've evolved to that place to understand like, chemistry's a whole nother thing, like

Eddie:

right.

Javier:

There's times that I've hooked up with people and I kind of just felt drained afterwards. Mm-hmm. Or I kind of felt like O like Right. Like I literally wasn't into it. Right. But you kind of have to com you have to keep going'cause you commit. Right, right, right. Commit the bit. Yeah, exactly. And so, yeah, so then there's chemistry, but then now like compatibility, you throw that in and that's where it's like, I don't know, for even with just hooking up, like I think whether it's the whole top or bottom thing or, or just how, I don't know. Compatibility to me is very important to understand, like, and I think that what I've observed is that people will start to kind of dive into like different types of kinks from a place of like. They experienced it and it was kind of hot. Mm-hmm.

Eddie:

But they don't

Javier:

really know if they're into it.

Eddie:

Right.

Javier:

But they'll kind of keep doing it. Mm-hmm. Right. And I feel like that's a compatibility thing, right? Because there's like, I mean, I'm gonna get real here, right? There's like, I, I don't want somebody fucking like in my face. Like, I don't, I don't, and if you slap me hard, I'll probably slap you the fuck back. Like, I will, like, like there's cer like I'm, do you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, the compatibility is a thing. Like it's not, I don't know. Anyway, I'm kind of like going off in a different direction. So I would say, now that I've said all that for me it's, it's really been, um, it's really shifted my priorities. Um, my priority is far more connection, chemistry, compatibility over sex. Um, so I was celibate for 10 months, um, because I had to do a lot of sexual healing for myself. A lot of recognizing my traumas and, and really allowing myself to, to work through them. Um, and coming back into it when I lost, not lost, but when I finally intentionally, um, chose to have sex with somebody. Mm-hmm. Uh, which was the person that I was seeing for three months. Um, it was after a month. And I honestly feel like what I learned from myself, if I really want the relationship that I'm seeking, the type of connection that I'm seeking in somebody. Mm-hmm. It almost felt like looking back, I don't even think I would do it that quick again. Mm-hmm. Because I felt like there are things that we have to think about. Right. Dopamine, oxytocin, those are real things guys. Those are chemicals that are activated in our brain. Through sex, through excitement, through the honeymoon phase, through the, they're, they're feel good chemicals that actually, um, very much tend to, uh, what is the word? Like not manipulate, but they tend help me out here. Like they, like

Eddie:

strongly

Javier:

influence. Yes. There you go. They strongly influence or can kind of like shift your actions based off of that feel goodness. Right. And then you kind of find yourself later on kind of being like, oh, like the compatibility's not there in certain ways or whatever. Right, right. And this is specifically if you're looking to be in a relationship with somebody, listen, if you're looking to just hook up, do your thing. Right. Like again, I I have no judgment. I'm not looking for that though.

Both:

Right,

Javier:

right. And so, um, this kind of goes back to the previous question, but I in general, yeah. I think things have shifted. Our world. And I think that gay men are also, another point would be that before that's kind of what our community was. That's how, yeah, like in a lot of ways, like now, younger generations are growing up and they're able to live in a world where they can honestly see themselves. And I say honestly because it's, it's a pretty big deal, um, whether you're straight or gay. Like understand that it's a pretty beautiful big deal that like kids can grow up and they can gay kids, queer kids, LGBTQ plus kids, they can see themselves with the white picket fence, with married, with the career with, right. They see themselves in a life that was kind of built for heterosexuality, right. That's kind of how this world has run, ran for, for many years. And it wasn't like that for, for those of us that were anything else, but that, you know what I'm saying? Right. So it is a bit of big, beautiful, big, all it deal. Um, and so I think that that's part of what the younger generation is coming in and shifting, right? Mm-hmm. They're not all about going to the gay cruises and there's nothing wrong with that, but the gay cruises, the gay partying, the gay before, if that's what you would do to be in our community, right? That's what you would attend these, these events. Nothing. And I say these events in a beautiful way. I'm not saying in a, in a, in a stereotypical way, but you would attend whatever event. That's where you would feel home. You feel like you could be you. Right? Like now the younger generations are growing up in a world where just be you. Right? Right. It's not everywhere, but I honestly do think that we're, we're, the world is becoming a better place and we're moving in that direction. I,

Eddie:

I think so. Yeah. Um, and I kind of wanna touch on something really quick. I think that the hookup culture in our community stems from the sort of like historically us being oppressed as gay men. And not to mention like gay men of color. Right. Queer people of color. Right. Um. I think that being like marginalized and oppressed so much, which was like our visibility was taken away from us, and it was, it, it was um, you know, it, it was criminal for us to just love who we wanted. So I think that when we were able to kind of take that back a little bit, we really kind of like dove into the deep end and we're like, well, we're just gonna love whoever we want and we're gonna express that attraction and we're gonna express that, you know, how in, in whichever way we want. Which is what I think kind of like you turn into hookup culture, but, and listen, hookup culture isn't even in straight in the straight community. Right. You know, it's not exclusive to us. But I think that, like you said earlier, that it, things are changing now, but I think it's also because how you said that visibility has almost like changed now. You know, it's whereas before, I think that as gay men. We were sort of like, okay, you're allowed to, like, you can be gay in public now, right?

Both:

Mm.

Eddie:

Forever ago. And I still have friends now that are like, yeah. So I went on a date with this guy and, you know, I didn't care that we weren't at a gay bar. Like, I was like holding his hand. I, in my mind I'm like, cool. Like, I, I, I see what you're saying, but we've been so conditioned to where there's modern day gay men who only feel safe going on a date with another gay man at like, in, in, in a, in a gay bar. And, you know, why can't you do that in a, in a regular bar? Do you know what I mean? Right. Um, all that to say that, I think that's changing too. So not only are is, is that visibility being given back to us, but I think we're also changing that perception of ourselves now too. And we've gone from, oh, well we can, you know, we can let our, our flag fry fly freely in public. And, and, and, and, and we can identifying that, but it's also changed into, well, why can't I have a kid and a white picket fence and why can't I have a husband and me be monogamous and be homeowners and just be an boring old married couple? Which I think as we mature, like sometimes, like it's like, listen, sounds nice. I hear you. Like I get it. Like that sounds kind of like I'm witcher. You know what I mean? Like getting home to like your husband making food and you know, just like falling asleep, watching fucking Handmaid's Tale. Do you know what I mean? Like right there, there, there's an allure to that, I think. Um, and I think that's why maybe like hookup culture might be shifting is because we're able to go, oh, okay. Like, cool. I, this, this can be our life now. And that's fulfilling and that's beautiful too. You know?

Javier:

I agree. I'm kind of gonna, um, she said a few things that kind of reminded me of, so we attempted, um, a podcast about a year ago. It was a group podcast, but it didn't work out for its reasons.

Both:

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Um, but we kind of spoke on our stories in the first episode. And one of the things I mentioned was, I know several, um, men who have come out like in their late thirties, in their forties mm-hmm. In their fifties. And it's honestly an experience that once was for many experienced, volatile. Mm-hmm. Uh, for many experienced, like highly judged for many, you know, it's scary, like Yeah. You know, having conversations with. With men who come out later in life. Like, it's like, you've built this life, right? And it's like, well, will any of my male friends talk to me? Right? Because it's like you were with the straight guys and stuff, right? Will any of these talk, people talk to me and whatnot? And one of the common things that, um, you know, they've shared with me is that like, they really were, they really feared that people were gonna shut them out. People that they cared about were gonna shut them out. And they didn't, and they accepted them. How they were like, like because of going back to the awareness, whether it's social media, whether it's, you know, I. Entertainment, whether, whatever, like, you know, there being more movies, right? There's not enough films about Right. You know, um, gay men kind of just having a normal life. Right? Right. But, you know, for a while it was like a HIV AIDS stories. Mm-hmm. Um, it was like violent stories, da da da da.

Both:

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

You know, there's a lot more beautiful stories coming out for, you know, out in the entertainment but industry. But it is a, you know, having the awareness of being in, living in a world now where self-development, where acceptance, where, where all of those things are a thing now. Like, it's beautiful that somebody could come out.

Eddie:

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

So we hear, we always hear about red flags, but what are some green flags that you personally were looking for in a man?

Eddie:

There, I think that that's one thing that helped me. With my perception of, uh, or rather my, my perspective on dating. I think it's easy for a lot of us to, to look at all like the negatives that, you know, like, this is a red flag, this is a red flag. You know, the list is like, can be infinitely long, but one thing that helped me was, okay, why don't we look at some of the positive attributes that I want them to have, you know, um, identifying those helped tremendously. Um, to name a few. It was somebody, I know we shared this one, you know, we shared many of'em, but like, um, you know, someone that's going to inspire me, you know, not somebody that, somebody that is going to. That, that I can see and I can look at and I can look at their life and I can look at, you know, the way that they speak to me and the way they're present. You know, um, if they inspire me to be a better part of myself, a, a better version of me, if they inspire me to, to, uh, keep accountability within myself, that's a huge green flag to me. Um, if I find somebody who is secure within themselves, not just physically, but, but internally secure, right. Um, one of, um, well, one of the big, sort of like moments that, and, and I'd known this, but, you know, experiencing it like in real time was so beautiful with my, with my boyfriend. Um, when ha first met him, we went out to, to have, uh, lunch. And I was just quiet the whole time. They were just talking back and forth, you know? Um, and the fact that he was so open and he was answering you so candidly and so, so, so, so chill, you know what I mean? And so relaxed and so, um, very, very, very, uh, present and, and, and just secure in what he was saying and almost in a very, like, um, just as a matter of fact kind of way. Mm-hmm. You know, you could throw him a question and he would be like, well, this, you know, uh, that, that was a huge green flag because there wasn't any like, anxiety on his part. There wasn't any, yeah. Should I wait for this or was that

Javier:

Okay? Sorry. We're like, we have a co-host, which is the ambulance Mount Zion. Yeah. Mount Sinai's, um, uh, ambulances. Um, no, I kinda laughed because I thought of the one time that I had you meet somebody, right? And they were like.

Eddie:

And listen guys, we were asking, in our opinion, we were asking very like normal like softball questions. And listen, I hate to make it sound like we're like vetting each other's like, you know, partners or potential partners. Um,'cause we don't go into it with that attitude of like, no, this is my fucking best friend. If you like heard him, I'll kill you. Never. That's, we know each

Javier:

other though.

Eddie:

Right? Right. So just making conversation and asking the other person questions that we know are important to us. Right. Without having like a list of what we're gonna say. You know, just having a full, like, just open conversation. Organic Right. And organic conversation, um, is, is so important to us. Right. And so, um, he was having that with my boyfriend and I thought it went very well. And so the way that he was answering was such a, it was a turn on and it was such a, a green flag within itself because he was able, able to, um, just. Simply answer. And, and, and he had so much integrity with how he was answering, um, that I was a huge green, green flag, um, with, with, with him. And another one was, um, I know you'd asked him, have asked him. I was like, oh, so what's something that like Eddie is like bringing to you that you feel like, um, that, that, that, that, that he provides, that you otherwise kind of like, don't have, you know? Um, and his answer I loved, which was, well, I am whole and complete on my own, and so is Eddie. He's like, I just, I, I, I, and I wanna build something like that with him. I, I don't want to take both of those. Both of our lives and build some, build something together. But the fact that he started off with, well, I, he's not bringing something to me that I don't already have. I'm whole on my own. And in that moment I was like, all right, everybody leave this room

Javier:

right now. Right

Eddie:

now. Um, you know, I'm gonna marry him, you know, instantly. Um, but you, you know, th that was a huge green flag. Just an example, you know, for the questions. Right. Just an example of, of, of, of, of how, I mean, is that, you know, having somebody that, um, realizes that they are perfect and whole and complete on their own and they're divinely, um, equipped to, to, to go through, through life. Right. You know?'cause if I were to see the opposite of that, and if it, if it were to be somebody who's like, you know, well, I, I, I lack this and this and this and this, and they bring me that, and without them I couldn't be, you know, like, no. It's like we have the capability. I think, I think the universe, I think God has, has, has, has equipped us with everything that we need. And when somebody realizes that, it's a game changer. Right. What are some of your green flags?

Javier:

I would say, so green flags as far as like in dating. Right. Um, because I think that it, that becomes something bigger in a relationship.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

But with dating, um, I would say green flags would be somebody who can have like a full on conversation. Right. So if, if I am, I usually introduce myself first and it's like, hello with their name. I'm Javier. Thank you so much for connecting, or Thank you so much for liking my photo. Mm-hmm. Um, you know, uh, hope you're having a good whatever. How's your day? You know, how's your day going? It's usually like, you know, like three sentences or so. Right? Yeah. And it's, it's if somebody responds like, Hey, if. Okay. I'm not supposed to be focusing on red flag. Sorry guys. But basically like Yeah, yeah. Like the conver, like somebody who can have a conversation. Right. Who can flow. Um, I, I do look for how people speak about themselves.

Eddie:

Right.

Javier:

Right. Uh, if some, you know, somebody's positive, that's a turn on to me.

Eddie:

Yeah.

Javier:

Not a hard on, but a turn on. Right, right. Um, now in terms of like, um, hold on, let me still focus on dating.'cause my head wants to kind of go into, uh, expanding on the same question. Uh, but yeah. So it would be somebody who's conversational, somebody who is, who has, um, a positive outlook on things. Right. Um, I understand that not everybody's gonna be as positive as me.

Eddie:

Sure.

Javier:

And you know, there may be areas in my life where I'm not that positive all the time. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Uh, but I do very much live in that space. Um, and somebody who. Has goals. Like somebody who,

right.

Javier:

You know, I love that you love where you're at right now, but what, what's coming? Mm-hmm. Like, what's next? Like, I don't know, that's just a, that's an, again, another turn on. Like, oh, that's cool. Like, you see yourself even further. Yeah. Right. And that, that I like. Now going back to when I wanted to expand on the question, what would you say are like,'cause now I feel like it can go into the more relation aspect. What are three of the most important things that you would say are, a turn on or a green flag, but also, as you are in the process of not just like first connecting with somebody dating, but as you have, as you're moving through the understanding of compatibility, that whole process. Right. What are three important things for you in someone else?

Eddie:

But you mean,

Javier:

so I'll go first. Okay. So for me, three of the most, whether you wanna call it green flag turnons, um, are somebody who is considerate.

Both:

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Consideration you've taught me is one of the highest forms of love. Yeah. Right. Um, somebody who has their own is on their own journey of like, um, it doesn't necessarily have to be spirituality, the way that I explore spirituality, but who has their own, um, you know, connection with God, the universe or, and, and who's like very much. You know, when somebody says, you know, I see a therapist or, or mm-hmm. You know, stuff like that, that is beautiful to me. Right. They're on a self-development journey. Right. Right. There's

Eddie:

awareness there.

Javier:

Right. Right. Mm-hmm. Because at the end of the day, I've also learned, like, I dive into, that's my life. Like, and not only as just a human, but as a life coach, as a spiritual life coach, like this self-development, um, the inner work, the becoming the best version of yourself and the healthiest version of yourself, and not just in health, but in wellness mm-hmm. As well is so important to me. And you know, me, I'm constantly looking to better myself.

Both:

Right.

Javier:

That I absolutely need somebody who has, they don't have to be as, as into it as me or whatever, but who is evolving.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

Right? Mm-hmm. Because I'm constantly evolving.

Both:

Right.

Javier:

Um, and then the last one would be somebody who's not conflictive.

Mm.

Javier:

Right. Like I've mentioned in the previous episode, like, I can't do road rage. I can't do Right. I can't come home to somebody who is gonna drain me because they're pessimistic or because they're unhappy.

Eddie:

Yeah.

Javier:

Right. I think that we all have reasons and life will throw us through experiences that can make us feel low. But I have, I myself, have no interest wanting to like, have somebody carry that. I, yeah. I wanna figure out how I can understand the low and get out of the low, you know what I'm saying? Right. And it's the difference of like my partner coming home and me being like, Ugh, this happened to me. Um, I just, I just can't right now. Like, I get, sometimes you need space, but Right. I think that it's a difference of that to like, okay, this happened to me, to be honest with you. I'm like not in the best place right now. Um. Could use your support in this way, whether it's with some space or whatever. And I guess that's a communication thing too, but people want to talk about, or, or seek good communication in another partner that's gonna look different for everyone,

Both:

right?

Javier:

It really does. Yeah. It looks communication, good communication is going to be a, um, it's more of a subjective

mm-hmm.

Javier:

Thing. Right? Um, I understand that there's such thing as bad communication, which is people who just run away from their feelings and dah, dah, dah, dah. Right. Anyway, circling back around. Number one is somebody who is. Considerate. Yeah. Right. Considerate. Number two is somebody who is on their own journey of healing, journey of awareness. Mm-hmm. And number three would be somebody who really like, seeks peace. Yeah. Right. Like peace. They have an understanding of what inner peace does for them.

Both:

Right.

Javier:

And they seek it, they seek more of it because peace like anything else is, is is an ongoing experience. It's an ongoing expansive experience.

Eddie:

Mm. I love that.

Javier:

Me too. I'm glad I recorded that.

Eddie:

That's great. I think. Okay. So, um, for me it would be, um, somebody who is willing to explore, and I mean that in the sense of somebody who is willing to get out of their comfort zone a little bit. Mm-hmm. You know, I think somebody who is willing to not stay confined and I understand that. Our comfort is, is, is a big, uh, uh, defense mechanism and it's a security blanket for so many of us. Right, right. Um, however, I think it, it's a double edged sword because we can miss out a lot in life because of our comfort zone. Mm-hmm. And if you're with somebody who's willing to nudge, like push their comfort zone a little bit, I think to me that's a huge green flag and that's a huge turn on, you know, um, I, um, one thing that, uh, since, you know, my, my boyfriend and I got together was that he was so willing to, um, meet my friends. Do you know what I mean? Like Right. I've known plenty of people. I've been in relationships where it's like, well, like I was hoping it would just like, just be you and I and you know, before you know it, that one hangout where it's gonna be just him and I turns into like 2, 3, 4, 5, and then before you know it, it's been months. And we've only been hanging out with just each other and we haven't been exploring each other's like circle of, of of loved ones. Another important thing that I've realized is extremely, I important and, and valuable really, um, to, to, to what I need in a relationship is somebody who is considerate. And like how you said earlier, you know, I always say that, you know, consideration is one of the highest forms of love. I think that it's easier for us to say we love someone or something, but how do you express that love? In my book, it's showing your consideration. It can be something small as you know, babe, I know you don't like this particular, you know, I don't know, veggie, so I made you your own, you know, I made you your own little, like tray of it over here or whatever, right? Mm-hmm. Or something as high as. You know, um, I know it's my day off today, and I kind of wanted it just to chill, but I know it's important for you to, us to go do this or to whatever, you know, it, it, it, it can take many forms and many shapes. Right? Right. But I think showing up and being considerate for the other person and showing, uh, acts of, of selflessness, um, is, is, is really important to me. Um, also communication. And not just communication as in, uh, uh, tell me where you are. Tell me what you're doing. That's, you know, that's not what I mean. What I mean is communicate to me how you are feeling. Communicate to me. If I did something wrong in your eyes, communicate to me how something is making you feel. Because I've been in relationships where my, my, my ex-partner just assume that I should know what's the matter because listen, I have lots of shortcomings and I don't always show up. To the best of my abilities. Never intentionally, but how can I fix that unless you tell me.

Both:

Right.

Eddie:

Um, yeah. Yeah. I, so I, I, I would say that those sort of like, uh, are are some of the big non-negotiables for me. That, that I, I, I, I really look forward, look forward in somebody when I'm in a relationship with'em because I think without those, um, for me personally, there's no way it can be fruitful. Mm-hmm. You know?

Javier:

Right. Um, so I kind of like mentioned a lot of my journey, a lot of like the spirituality that goes in my journey, um, of just connection in general. Right. But as we talk about being with a romantic partner, um, just to get your take on it,'cause I always love how you kind of expand me in different ways. Um, how does spirituality, how would you say spirituality plays a role in your approach too? Anybody's approach to dating and relationships. Mm-hmm.

Eddie:

For me, it's a, it, it's a big role in every aspect of my life, right? Mm-hmm. But, and because it is a big role on every aspect of my life, it in turn has to play an important, significant role in my, in my romantic life, right. In my relationship. Um, now listen, I don't mean you have to be, you know, pious and devout and you have to, you, you, you have to wake up every morning and, and, and, you know, align your chakras and, and, and, you know, tap into a great unknown. Like, no, that it, it takes its shape into a, a multitude of different ways, right? But plain and simple, starting off by somebody who is aware and knows that, you know, we're not just. Tiny little ants on like a floating rock. You know what I mean? I think there needs to be that, um, recognition of there's something greater than this and this is just momentary. And I want somebody to, somebody who realizes that they are a, a, a, a, a spiritual being, having a human experience and not the other way around. Right? Um, because that's really shaped my life for the better, for the betterment in, in, in my, in my life. You know, and I, I, it doesn't need to be somebody who has the exact same school as school of thought as I do, but somebody who is, again, they're on that awareness journey. Somebody who knows that there is more than just what we can touch and what we can see and what we can smell. Somebody that knows that there is more to life than this. And not just that, not somebody who said, who realizes there's more to life. But somebody who also realizes and believes that life is beautiful. Right? And, and you know, the universe in God, they want to give us the desires of our heart more than we even want them. And, and I think, I think somebody who is, you know, we always say the term tapped in, you know, somebody who is tapped in, in that sense, uh, it, it plays a huge role for me because I think that translates into, again, it's this universal umbrella concept and it translates into everything. I think somebody who is tapped in is then going to be somebody who acts at with compassion. I think somebody who is tapped in is somebody, is somebody who is going to be considerate, is somebody who is going to, um, listen twice and speak once. It's, it's somebody that's going to, um, not be judgemental. It's somebody that's going to, uh, you know, be a hard worker, somebody who's going to have strong ethics, somebody who's going to have a good moral compass, you know? Right. And those are the things that. Outlast, you know, what we look like, the physique, who's, it's gonna outlast the, the hookup culture, if you want to go back to it. Right. It's, it's gonna outlast, you know, finances. It's, it's gonna outlast all of those things.

Javier:

And I think like, you know, like we spoke about, like it doesn't necessarily have to be everything on that list. Right. Because I think one big thing to recognize is like, even those that are tapped in are on, if you're still here, if you're here on earth, like you clearly have lessons to still work on. Right? Right. We're still human and we all Yeah, yeah. We all have different Yeah. Avenues, right? You can be tapped in and judgmental. I've seen it. Of course, of course. Right. You can be tapped in and you know, and things like that. But, but like, one of the things you said, and to the question is like, how, how does it play? A big part is like, you know, who sees life as something is beau something beautiful? Mm-hmm. Like to me, what spirituality does for someone. Or for a relationship. And this isn't that I'm saying that everybody should be spiritual. I'm not saying that I think that you do you right? Mm-hmm. Um, that's specifically for the listeners, you know, but, but what I will tell you is that spirituality, having your relationship with spirituality gives you the gift of gratitude.

Mm-hmm.

Javier:

It gives you the gift of gratitude to be grateful for if you're grateful for, you know, the water that, that bathes you to the water you get to drink, to the food that you get to eat, to the person that's right next to you. Right. I mean, it just, it honestly, I think spirituality plays a big part in how beautiful and how, how, just how a relationship can bloom in ways that you don't even realize.

Right.

Javier:

That in ways that expand you, that will expand your peace, that will expand your joy and that will expand what life is and Right. And we don't. You know, there's the, there is the, the knowing that like, we are whole and we're complete. But man, when you can, when you can tie in this like, greater purpose, this, this knowing that, you know, we, you know, we're bigger than just this. Mm-hmm. It, it allows, it allows life, your life to honestly be bigger than this. And one of the things that, um, one of the, uh, we were supposed to do that group podcast that I mentioned earlier, you know, um, he would say, one of the things that he said was, every mind is its own world, right? Mm-hmm. And I think that that's, that is absolutely true. Right? Right. I can tell you what spirituality has done to me, but baby, it's gonna do something completely different for you, but for you.

Eddie:

Right, right, right.

Javier:

Oh, I love it. And that's kind of like, that's where we're so. Right. Passionate about like diving into everything.'cause we're very similar in, in how it is our whole life.

Both:

Right,

Javier:

right. And, and or it's something that we harmonize with everything, every part of our life. And it really, this is one of the most beautiful people, one of the most joyful PE people and one of the most grounded people that I know. Thank you. Likewise. And, and he inspires me, like I said, every single day. Um, so if you could have, or you could share one piece of advice about love or any type of relationships, what would it be?

Eddie:

That's a great question. Um, the piece of advice that I would share is to learn to let go. And learn to give into how much beauty the universe can, can, can bring you. I think sometimes we get hyper fixated on a certain outcome, right? To where that's all we can ever think about. And if it's not that, then we don't want it. And I think there's a healthy way of doing that. But I think that more oftentimes than not, when we, you know, when we let go of that, we're able to receive way much more than we could imagine. You know, if I have something in my hands and I'm asking for you to give me something else, I'm not in a position of receiving because my hands are full of things that I maybe don't need to be holding onto, right? So if I let go of them and my hands are wide open with nothing inside of them. I'm open to receiving like anima, like an an unimaginable amount of, of, of, of beauty from you, from life, from, do you know what I mean? Yep. Um, and I think that's gotten me to where I am today. And it's, it's, I think I've, I've, I've done okay. And I really enjoy it. And so, yeah.

Javier:

Right. Just to piggyback on that, I mean, honestly, if there's anything that, oh, this last year, almost year and a half has taught me is like, surrender to what's yours. Yeah. Surrender to what's yours.'cause it's already yours, right? Mm-hmm. That's right. These, speaking of spirituality, these desires that we have, right? Not everybody ha wants the same things. Not everybody needs the same things. Not everybody desires the same things, but those desires are there because they're already yours. Mm-hmm. It's knowing that they're yours and, and, and allowing yourself to become the version that is prepared to receive what is yours. And through that, you gotta just surrender to, to life. And, and another thing that spirituality gives you is, is the capacity to be able to know, to find peace in that'cause that's scary.

Eddie:

Yeah, of

Javier:

course. That's scary. But if you can know that, that it's already yours and, and it's bigger than this, and these desires are not just there for, you know, to be waved in your face, but they're there because they're yours, like it is life. I mean, relationships can flourish in ways that you have no idea, like

Eddie:

Right.

Javier:

And you can become versions of yourself that just will blow your mind. Mm-hmm. I'm guilty of that. Yeah. And he's guilty of that. And to be able to see each other on, on, you know, on each other's journeys.

Eddie:

Yeah.

Javier:

And to be able to support each other and to sometimes guide each other is, is truly special. And that's where, again, like this podcast dives into being built for love, but love is all of the connections and relationships that you have in your life. Mm-hmm. And it's, it's a oneness.

Eddie:

Yeah. I agree. That's beautiful.

Javier:

You're beautiful. Um, anything else to add before we start to, to close off our listeners? I think,

Eddie:

I think that's kind of it, at least for now, because, you know, we'll talk about anything and everything for hours. Right. I'm

Javier:

like, I have to cut this and make sure that it's a certain timing and stuff like that. So I agree. And. This is definitely not the first and last. I mean, this is the first, but not the last time you'll see Eddie on this podcast.'cause I feel like he is somebody that, um, is amazing. He has an amazing voice of you as you guys, obviously, I think so, um, as you guys can obviously hear, to thank you, to be able to, um, to share a message. And, and he has a lot to share. So this isn't the last time you'll, you'll see or hear him. Um, but yeah, this conversation has meant so much to me and it does mean so much to me, not just because of what we've shared, but because of who I get to share it with. And Eddie, thank you so much for your heart, for your wisdom and the way you show up so authentically in every space that this guy walks into, including this one. And to everyone listening, I hope you felt the love, the learning, and maybe even a little nudge to reflect on your own journey. If this episode moved you in any way, please remember, share it with a friend, share it with a a loved one, subscribe and connect with us on social media as well as YouTube, which is a form of social media. But as always, remember that love isn't something we chase. It's something we're built for. See you guys later.